


and they shall know you by your ghosts

by ariel2me



Series: Inspired by Fire & Blood [12]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 16:19:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19232683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariel2me/pseuds/ariel2me
Summary: When Alysanne asked if she would return to Greenstone, Rhaena shook her head. “There’s a ghost there as well. A kinder ghost, but no less sad.” (Fire & Blood)It wasn’t so much that love ended. It was more the fact that it remained mired in the past. The ghost of how easy they used to be with another stalked them every step of the way, on this small island Larissa had made her new home.





	and they shall know you by your ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> A sequel to [**this Rhaena/Larissa drabble**  ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16699678/chapters/41134013)about the beginning of their relationship.

_The very first of Rhaena’s favorites, her cousin Larissa Velaryon, had been married to the second son of the Evenstar of Tarth, it may be recalled. Though her husband was dead, Lady Larissa had borne him a daughter, who had only recently been wed to the elderly Lord Estermont. Rather than remain on Tarth or return to Driftmark, the widow had chosen to stay with her daughter on Greenstone after the wedding. That Lady Larissa’s presence drew Rhaena Targaryen to Estermont cannot be doubted, for the island was elsewise singularly lacking in charm, being damp, windswept, and poor. With her daughter lost to her and her dearest friends and favorites in the grave, it should not be surprising that Rhaena sought solace with a companion of her childhood. (Fire & Blood)_

______________________

It wasn’t so much that love ended. It was more the fact that it remained mired in the past. The ghost of how easy they used to be with another stalked them every step of the way, on this small island Larissa had made her new home.

*

Watching Larissa’s sturdy bond and easy camaraderie with her daughter, Rhaena could not help but wonder if the same was ever possible for herself and her own daughters. If, say, she had not been forced by necessity and by circumstances beyond her control to send Aerea and Rhaella away to be raised by others. If she had not been parted from her daughters when they were very young still, to protect their lives from her monstrous uncle Maegor.

They had not understood, her twin daughters. How could they, at that age? They thought that she had abandoned them because they were bad, or not good enough, or because they had done something to displease her, or because she did not love them enough to keep them with her. And later, later after they were finally reunited with their mother, she had not done a very good job of explaining and justifying the reasons for her action. If only she had done a better job of explaining, then perhaps one daughter would not be lost now, and the other daughter would not be greeting her with a perfectly courteous smile as if she were a very honored guest, but not much more, every time Rhaena visited her at the Starry Sept.

Guilt had been the reason, the primary reason she found it very hard to explain herself properly to her daughters. And – oh, how it hurts to admit this! – guilt was also the primary reason she had kept the girls at arm’s length, and had not allowed herself to grow as close to them as she should have done, as she truly yearned for, and most importantly, as they themselves must have yearned for.   

First, there was the guilt that she had to send them away in the first place, even if it was done out of a fierce and unyielding love, to ensure that they would  _live_ , that they could  _survive_. Then there was the guilt that she had unilaterally decided to support her younger brother’s claim to the throne, passing over her own daughters and robbing them of their birthright. Jaehaerys had the backing of the lords of Westeros, and that was the only way Rhaena could see at the time to bring Maegor down. Because as long as Maegor was still alive, as long as Maegor continued sitting on the Iron Throne, Aerea’s and Rhaella’s lives would always remain in grave danger.

Rhaena knew that she could not have done anything else. If she had done things differently, her daughters would have died. And yet the guilt still would not leave her in peace, still would not leave her  _be_. This, perhaps, was the bitterest truth of all: that you could do something that you absolutely knew  _must_ be done, and yet still lived to regret the consequences of that action afterwards, all the while knowing that  _not_  doing it would have been worse, would have caused a greater calamity and an ever greater regret.

Rhaena’s own mother understood this conundrum and this predicament very well, having lived through it herself.

 _You choose, and you live with the consequences. You live with the consequences and the regrets and the endless what-ifs and could-have-beens, because what else could you do? What else could you do except take the next step, and the next step, and all the ones after that?_  

If, if, if. You could drown in all the what-ifs and could-have-beens just as easily as drowning in your tears and your grief. The crucial thing, Alyssa Velaryon had tried telling her eldest child, was to swim safely back to shore before  _new_  what-ifs and could-have-beens began accumulating, while you were too busy lamenting and regretting the  _past_  what-ifs and could-have-beens.   

*

Or perhaps it was really none of those things that had affected Rhaena’s relationship with her daughters. Perhaps it went even deeper than that, to the very core of her being. Perhaps it was her reserved nature – or what some people had called her natural shyness and others had called her cold and unfeeling nature – that had made her unsuited for motherhood in the first place, that had made maternal warmth hard to come by.  _This_ , her secret fear, Rhaena finally confided to Larissa and Larissa alone, the day Larissa shared the news that her own daughter was with child.  

Larissa shook her head, vehemently. “Have you been listening to lectures and sermons from censorious maesters and septons about the duties of a good mother? We are very similar, you and I. We have never found it easy to share our feelings with all and sundry. That was what first drew us closer, don’t you remember?”

No, of course Rhaena had not forgotten. Larissa had been the first companion Rhaena was able to bond with, among all the companions her lady mother had chosen for her. Larissa understood the recurring need for internal solitude, even when you were surrounded by the people you love and care about.   

“It does not inevitably make us unfit for love, maternal or otherwise,” Larissa continued.

“But the way you are with your daughter … that is not how it is for me and my daughters,” replied Rhaena.

Larissa took Rhaena’s hand, and brought it to her lips. Her gaze never left Rhaena’s eyes as she said, “Every child is different, and every mother as well. And Rhissa and I never had to go through what you and your daughters went through. If we did, who’s to say that we would still have the same kind of relationship that we have now? Who’s to say that we could still be as close as we are now?”

For the first time since her daughter went missing, Rhaena felt that she could truly breathe again, at least for a little while.   

*

It could not last, this peaceful interlude. Rhaena knew that very well. Unlike Franklyn Farman, Larissa’s good-son was too seasoned by age and wisdom to challenge her presence in Greenstone directly, mindful of her dragon, no doubt. Larissa’s daughter was too worried about hurting her beloved mother’s feelings to even breathe one word that might seem less than welcoming to her mother’s old friend. But certain looks passed between husband and wife, between Lord and Lady Estermont, and Rhaena did not fail to notice them. It was only a matter of time before Larissa noticed those looks too, and Larissa, Rhaena feared, would be gravely conflicted, pained and saddened.

Rhaena tested the waters in a jocular tone. “We could make a home together, you and I.”

“You, me, and your other companions, no doubt?” asked Larissa, in an equally jocular tone, though there was a slight edge to her voice when she said  _‘other companions.’_

Rhaena lowered her eyes, all traces of jesting gone from her voice as she replied, “There is no other. There has not been anyone since …”

Since her husband murdered them all.   

“And where would this home be? In Dragonstone?”

“No, not Dragonstone. There are too many hungry ghosts there. Somewhere else. We’ll find a place. A place of our own.”

Larissa’s reply was long in coming, but when it came, it did not truly surprise Rhaena. It was not possible to turn back time, after all.

 _My daughter_ , Larissa repeated, over and over again.  _My daughter is with child. My daughter will have need of her mother, when she gives birth for the first time. We have never been separated for more than a day, my daughter and I._

*

She would have to leave Greenstone soon, Rhaena knew. Leave it for good, this time, not just temporarily as she had done before as she continued her desperate search for her daughter. 

Before Rhaena had decided  _when_  to bid farewell to Larissa for the last time, a raven arrived from King’s Landing bearing the news of her daughter’s fate.

*

Larissa knew, instinctively, without a word being said between them, that Rhaena would not be returning to Greenstone, would not be returning to  _her_. “I will pray for you,” she said, as Rhaena was mounting her dragon.

Rhaena laughed, bitterly. “What is left to pray for? That I will find happiness again? Where, pray tell? Amidst the ashes of my daughter’s bones?”

“I pray that you will find peace, and that in time, you could put your ghosts to rest, each and every one of them.”

“My ghosts will remain by my side, always. They are my eternal companions. They will never desert me, not now, no matter where I go. But have no fear, Larissa. I will not be undone by any ghost.”

You take the next step, and the next, and all the ones after that, because what else could you do while you still draw breath? Her mother had taught Rhaena that, by her example as much as her words. They did not always see eye-to-eye about everything, Rhaena and her mother, and indeed there were times when Rhaena had blamed and resented her mother almost as much as she believed her own daughters must have blamed and resented  _her_. But despite all that, the bond prevailed, and  _love_  prevailed, beyond flesh-and-blood, beyond _life_  itself. This was the only kind of hope Rhaena could still believe in, the only kind of hope she could still put her faith into.


End file.
